The semester is starting back up and i’m terrible at speaking words.
This doesn’t have to be aimed at college students, just conversation starters anywhere would be very much appreciated.
Situational commentary is a great way to start. Look around, comment on what you see to your soon-to-be conversation partner. Especially easy if anything out of the ordinary happens: thunderstorm, someone busking, squirrel appears etc. Make a comment, ask a question, go with the flow
Correct answer.
This is an old post i saved for this kind of moment so here ya go.
About 6 or 7 years ago my college roommate told me: Conversation isn’t something any one person is good or bad at, it’s a skill like anything else. Everything changed once I thought about it like this.
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The more new people you talk to the easier it is. Especially the opposite sex.
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Everyone else has their own anxieties and fears. They’re just better at hiding it or masking it than you. Use this to your advantage to point out things you have in common and relate to them.
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When someone talks, LISTEN. Don’t worry about your posture, your dog, your clothing. Listen to them. If you don’t understand something, stop them and ask. Engage with them. Everyone you meet knows something you don’t know.
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Ask open ended questions. Don’t ask, “Did you have a good day?” Instead ask “What was the best part about your day?” “What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about your job?” Make them feel important. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. So do you. Take that feeling and shove it way down. When they ask about you, that’s your turn to shine. If they don’t, you don’t really want to be friends anyway.
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Never one-up people. Even if you are way better, or know way more than the person talking to you, build them up.
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If someone is telling a story or saying something and they get cut off, find the next opportunity to bring them back in. “Hey, _______ you were talking about X, what did you want to say?”
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Laugh at their jokes. Laugh at your jokes. We’re all weird brains walking around in these skin things. Don’t take it so seriously.
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You will remember your mistakes WAY more than anyone else. Stop taking yourself so seriously.
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My last and 2nd most important tip. Start every conversation with a compliment. I don’t care if they’re a dude and you’re straight as fuck. I don’t care if they’re mean, evil to you, or disagree with you politically in every way. Find something about the way they look, and compliment it. Someone did this to me once when I was a new guest at someone’s apartment. “Hey man, that’s an awesome jacket, where’d you get it?” I fucking loved that jacket. And I was self conscious about it. I felt instantly at home.
Take the things you like, and be that person for someone else. If you’re on a date, be genuinely interested in that person.
These are things that worked for me. Find your own style.
The #1 tip!! Go into EVERY room as if people will like you. Seriously. Walk through any door, in front of any group of people and smile. They. Will. Like you. Keep that in the front of your mind and you will enjoy conversations with anyone.
As someone who used to be terrible at socializing but had to learn because I’m an extrovert you’ve more or less summed it up.
Charisma is real and it’s a factor, but it’s more like having a good voice and natural presence for public speaking rather than the skills to confront stage fright, properly comport yourself on stage, and work with an audience. A person with 0 interpersonal charisma may never be making a living off socialization, but if they build skills they can easily be well liked and have plenty of friends and a partner. Meanwhile a person with a ton of charisma and no social skills is going to have a hard time keeping people around.
But yeah, practice, practice, practice. And as someone else said, benign comments are great tools. “Some weather we’ve been having”, complimenting something someone is wearing especially if it’s bold (as someone who likes bold looks “that [thing] is bold and you make it work” is great), or even "ugh this is way too [early/late/midday] for this [everyday bullshit]
Complimenting people on their outfits is a great one. I do this a lot (the folks in my town are great dressers, what can I say?) and while about half just say thank you and move on (perfectly fine), I have had some people follow up with some other comment, like where they got it from. The last compliment I gave was to a woman with a cute skirt and she was like, “Thanks! I keep looking for the pockets.”
Honestly some grade A advice! Im definitely stealing this No take back!! :P
With #4, don’t be surprised if they give you a short almost unengaged answer. They might not be warmed up, they might have something else going on ,or they just aren’t interested. Either way, give them a couple of chances to signal if they want to join your flow. If not, that’s cool… Just move on.
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“Have you noticed gum has gotten mintier lately?”
You just reignited an ancient synapse. I’m now forced to use it at work on Monday.
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
The thing about Arsenal is they’re always trying to walk it in.
Wut was Wenguh finkin sendin Walcaw in!?
What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?
deleted by creator
Hello fellow humans! Have you consumed any good carbohydrates today?
Greetings fellow humans! have you consumed your daily complex carbohydrates and proteins today, and consumed a liquid with a organic suspension of the extracts from the plants coffea arabica.
I expect to able to function within normal parameters once i have consumed the usual quantity. Until then I would appreciate being left to my own devices.
He speaks of the dirty bean water!
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Not much room for dialogue from there.
But it does tell you if the other person likes dark humor or not. Not a given these days, and definitely something you want to know from the jump.
Eat any good books lately?
Oh, very good Worf
Talk about what you’re interested in. Or let the other person talk about what they’re interested in and be engaged in the conversation. Either way you build report
Rapport, not report btw
“Can I offer you an egg in these trying times?”
When making small talk, ask for opinions farther down someone’s list. Like, “What was the third best trip you ever took?” It catches people off guard in a good way, and garners better answers than asking for their top choice.
You can do it the other way, too. Saying, “that was the fourth funniest thing I have ever seen” immediately prompts questions from your audience. Just be ready with a good follow-up story if you try this.
Another option is to learn little party tricks that don’t require much talking. Learn to fold simple origami, or some coin tricks, or whatever. When you’re with a group of people and you don’t know what to add to the conversation, you quietly do your thing until someone notices. Suddenly a banal moment becomes a memorable moment and you didn’t have to say anything.
That’s the third most autistic thing I’ve read on Lemmy today.
What was the fourth?
That’s the 11th funniest comment I’ve read today!
Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
He was sitting on the deck.
hearty pirate laughter
“ARR ARR ARRR!”
Yes, this is indeed what it sounds like. But when I wrote it out like that, I couldn’t help but imagine seal noises.
Damned seal pirates. Scourge of the seas!
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
You’d think it’d be Rrrrrr, but a pirates first love is the C!
What’s a pirates least favorite letter?
“We regret to inform you we have detected illegal tormenting at your home IP address…”
The other pirate couldn’t steer his ship because the only wheel he had was sticking out of his pants. If you asked if it bothered him he’d say “Yar, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Beautiful city we live in… Have any good advice on interesting places to visit or things to do that are off the beaten path?
You might get some great places to visit you might not know of and you might start up a nice conversation with someone interesting. Don’t be afraid to ask followup questions to engage in more conversation.
Relax, smile and be yourself! Most importantly have fun with it.
For people I know a little I usually talk about something recent that happened in one of our common areas of interest (e.g. new game releases, what we played recently, what annoyed or hyped me, books we bought and / or read, …).
Another friend of mine became a parent two years ago and this and the house they are currently building are actually the only things she can talk about anymore, so I adapted and usually start with something one of my niblings did recently (e.g. my 3 year old niece told everyone she can’t wait to finally grow up and can do what she wants like going alone to school, eat fries and dance! All very nice life goals IMHO and a good convo starter :D)
For people I know less I try to find something that relates to the current situation (like how I experience things, or what they are currently doing, …). I feel like it’s important, that you are genuine as in you are actually interested in what you are talking about and what the other person has to say.
E.g. after class you can discuss your perception of the lesson (that was loooong / interesting / difficult / …) and ask them how they perceived it. Or if you meet someone for the first time you can ask how they decided to go to this class and continue from there.
Fun fact: I found my friends at uni (still friends > 10 years later) by befriending the weirdest guy in the group and then being introduced by him. He loved to talk about toilets, maths and how he felt like the Mensa was his new mom. He was super smart and weird and actually everyone liked him because he was honest and real. I used this as a cue to overshare all my weird family stories in that group (not the best conversation starters), I guess the shock value still worked :D
In the end it feels way more difficult, than it is. I still sweat like I’ve walked a marathon every time. The best tip is that you’re genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. If something really doesn’t interest you, engage in another topic or ask friendly for more insights, maybe you’ll learn something new. Stay friendly and appreciate the time, the person is spending with you and you’re good!
Thanks, this is a really insightful response.
As another commenter said, situational commentary is a good way to start a convo with a stranger.
But your deeper issue is almost certainly anxiety. The real way you learn to start conversation is by just saying whatever the fuck. Then notice if people are interested, amused, confused, angry, etc - and then continuing from there. Over time, you naturally, without trying, start thinking of things which garber positive reactions from others, and become more adept at guaging their reactions, which drives further inprovement. Anxiety hinders you on both of these fronts - taking action (saying something) and noticing peoples reactions.
Be aware of this anxiety, notice it, and remind yourself that it doesn’t actually mean anything. If you say something weird, so what? Lots of people say weird things in college. That’s what college is for. Being a good conversationalist is a skill, and as a skill, you will suck at it at first. Sucking at it is simply part of the process. So allow yourself the ability to suck at conversations long enough to get good at them.
If you know you are going to be in an informal group setting (for example, going on a camping trip where everyone will be sitting around a campfire), get a copy of the book 3000 Questions About Me. Everyone takes turns thinking of a random number between 1 and 3000, and then everyone answers the question. It’s kind of a fun game, but it gets deep really fast.
“Don’t mean to brag, but I just shit myself.” 😏
