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Joined 2 years ago
Cake day: July 1st, 2023
  • pajam@lemmy.worldtoAsk Lemmy@lemmy.world•Please help me under stand my spouse's gift and their hurt
    2·
    5 days ago

    Yep, this sort of situation is common, and definitely not any sort of crazy, relationship-ending drama (OP you shouldn’t entertain any of the classic reddit-esque “Delete facebook, hit the gym, get a lawyer” type of “impending divorce” comments). However, it could definitely benefit from them sitting down together and having clear purposeful communication all about this issue, each of their feelings, their expectations vs reality, etc. So everyone can get on the same page, understand that neither of them intended to hurt the other, and neither of them necessarily “did something wrong,” etc. In most of these relationship arguments, there is no “you are wrong, I am right” or “you are the one that did something wrong, and must apologize.” It’s almost always justa miscommunication that sets off a bunch of emotions, because one or the other (or both) are not aware of the intentions of the other person, or misunderstood something and made the wrong assumptions/conclusions. Talking it out is always the best way to move forward.

    I know “love languages” is mostly pseudoscience, but it’s not wrong in that different personalities with different upbringings/backgrounds, all have different preferences in how they like to be shown love and affection, and how they like to show others love and affection. Often the second (how to show affection to others) ends up just being a projection of the first (i.e. “This is how I like to be shown affection, so I will do the same to show my affection to others, since they must appreciate it in the same way I do.”).

    A few things for OP to consider in this situation:

    1. A nicer, newer version of an old, worn-out item that someone uses all the time and really likes, is a VERY common gift. It’s a gift that people often give to show their loved ones that they really care and also that they pay attention to what is important to them. It’s a way to show they aren’t just “phoning it in” with a generic gift, but instead getting them something they know they’ll put to good use and appreciate since they pay attention to their current “favorites” or interests, and thus the gift is meaningful in that way.
    2. OP’s spouse likely appreciates gifts like that (a lot of people would), and would feel great receiving something like that from a loved one. So they projected that same preference onto OP, and based on that assumption, came into the situation with the expectation that OP would love the gift, and likely see it in the same way they themselves do - a thoughtful gift that really showed they care and put thought into something they knew their spouse would appreciate.
    3. When OP didn’t immediately thank their spouse for such a thoughtful, heartfelt gift, the spouse’s expectations were likely crushed. And they likely felt very hurt. Not just that OP didn’t like the gift, but didn’t even acknowledge all the thought and effort OP’s spouse likely put into it. So it’s not just “They didn’t like my gift” but it’s also more importantly “They totally ignored and disregarded all my love and care and effort I put into something that was done just for them.” This sort of immediate crushed expectations can cause someone to suddenly lash out or feel very hurt without the ability to step back and calmly take in the situation and context. It will be hard for them to have a proper discussion with so many emotions and confusion in the situation. OP’s spouse will need a bit of time, and then hopefully they can talk about it.
    4. OP should likely offer to sit down and talk it out with their spouse. “Hey I know you were really upset about my reaction to your gift, and I’d like to sit down and calmly talk all about it.”
      OP should likely avoid just focusing on “You know I don’t like new things, you know I like repairing old things, you know I found the original one from your mother to be sentimental, etc.” OP can, and should, broach some of the above for sure, but introduce it with things like “I know that you put a lot of thought and care into your gift, and it showed that you really pay attention to my interests and what sort of things I am into and what items I put to good use. Your gift was definitely very thoughtful, and I apologize that my reaction seemed to discount that thoughtfulness entirely.” and that’s when OP can remind their spouse, “…but you know how I much prefer older things that I can keep repairing, and keep for sentimental value. This is part of me that defines my preferences and wants vastly more than the function of the thing itself. So while I am appreciative of your thoughtfulness for getting me a version of ‘said thing’ that functions in the same way but is new and in better shape, that is the reason I still feel like the gift doesn’t quite hit the mark for what is important to me… because the age and sentimentality of my current one is extremely important to me, and I felt like you ignored that part of me when putting a lot of thought into the other aspects.”
    5. Hopefully through talking it out, OP and spouse can realize they have different wants and expectations when it comes to gift giving, and overall how to show and receive affection amongst themselves, and keeping that communication open by reminding each other not to fall back on old assumptions. OP will likely want to make sure they are also considering the same when giving gifts to their spouse in the future. In fact…
    6. This conversation is a good time to broach that topic as well, in case OP’s spouse has been disappointed by OP’s gift giving in the past, but has been bottling it up instead of saying something about it. I mean, OP promised to stop giving them Nerdy T-Shirts, but what are the gifts now? Because if Nerdy T-shirts was the default, it might not be getting much more “thoughtful” after that (at least in their spouse’s opinion). That could also explain the sudden emotional spike and argument outside of simple crushed expectations, if the spouse’s anger was not just about OP not liking their gift, but the fact they have never received a good gift from OP either. “You never give me thoughtful gifts, and even worse, when I give you a very thoughtful gift, you have no reaction other than lack of caring!!! Why am I even trying?!?!” In fact, if OP’s spouse was indeed bottling up that sort of disappointment, they may have been (consciously or subconsciously) using this gift, not only as a way to show OP they truly care by getting something specific to their interests/hobbies/etc., but also as a subtle hint to show OP the kinds of thoughtful gifts they would like as well. So when OP totally disregarded the gift, OP’s spouse probably felt (1) crushed expectations causing their giddiness and anticipation to fall off a cliff to a deep pit in their gut, (2) hurt by the lack of acknowledgement for all the thought they put into something they felt was selfless and caring, dedicated solely to their partner, and (3) hopeless that OP would ever understand what a “good gift” is (in their opinion), and thus hopeless their message will ever get through OP’s head. If this is the case, OP’s spouse should probably just be open and communicate about their disappointment, and not use gifts they give as subtle hints to gifts they would like to receive, and hope the other person picks up on it. Especially if in doing so, they are perpetuating the same issue of giving their partner gifts that are “good for themself” as a “gift that would be good for their partner.”